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Originally, the plan was to write this last night because Jim had told me that he was going out with an old friend named Matt.  Go figure, though, it turns out Jim actually wants his friends to meet me.  I don’t know why, except maybe to prove that there’s no accounting for taste.  So I ended up going with and hoped I didn’t embarrass Jim too much.  Dinner, by the way, was fine.  Matt is nice and actually reminds me of my buddy Nestor.  But the point is that I didn’t have a chance to do this.

“This,” by the way, is the post I had promised myself I would write, the one about the game Jim’s running for me.  So let’s jump in with some background: While this is my first time at an RPG game that’s not on a computer, it’s also kind of not.  The others were short-lived.  Once, I did a whopping round of D&D with some friends, albeit online, where everyone died except me and I think one other person.  (Before you think we’re losers who couldn’t find gaming friends in real life, I would like to say we’re losers who actually met in real life first.  So there.)  And then there was that short-lived Vampire game that Jim ran for me, Phil, and Shannon, back when we first started dating and he wanted me to join their cult enjoy his hobby with him before realizing that I found it creepy and weird I just wasn’t interested. 

In all fairness, that wasn’t Jim’s fault.  I’m not a silly little goth girl.  I’m a grown woman who’s been through a hellish divorce and a boring job and worries how to pay for her cats to go to the vet.  I’ve never wanted to be a vampire.  So unless vampires are on the other side of Buffy’s stake, I find them boring.  Now I have to play one?  Can I roll dice to see if I can stake myself?

And there you have it.  My “gaming experience,” sadly (gladly?) lacking.  The only reason why I suggested this game, by the way, is so Jim and I have an inexpensive hobby to do together, as we spent over $70 in gas just driving around last week.  Also, Jim likes it.  And I’ve promised myself that I’m going to sincerely try to enjoy it this time.  I’m sure I will, as I’ve been with Jim now for over a year, so I’m much more comfortable with him than I was in Vampire game and am 99% sure he won’t convince me to roleplay having sex with a dragon.

The remaining 1% will always be suspcious, of course.  I was married once.

At any rate, despite how brief prior games were, they were the reason why I did at least know a few things going into this one.  For one, I know there are character sheets.  I also know I hate them.  Kyle’s had to handhold me through a couple before via Vent.  Let’s face it, Vent just isn’t a proper teaching channel.  That’s probably why it was much easier to grasp the meaning of all the numbers when Jim walked me through.  Let’s be honest, though, while Kyle is a friend, he has other stuff to do, whereas Jim sleeps with me and is thus willing to sacrifice three hours of his life waiting while I agonize if I should put points in “sense motive” or “hide.”  (I picked hide, by the way.  I’m a girl on her own.  I plan on hiding a lot.)

So a good chunk of last Sunday’s “game” actually consisted of me fighting with that freakin’ character sheet.  Character sheets, by the way, are just one reason why Warcraft triumphs over D&D.  In Warcraft, I have a character in seconds.  But I digress.  As I’ve mentioned before here, I decided on playing a human druid, figuring that I’m not really a role-player, so I’d do something as close to me as I could come up with.  Granted, I’m not a druid, but have you not heard about my fantasy of living in the woods with my cats, where my house is in the middle of a maze full of pit-traps so people would have a really, really hard time finding me?  Unsurprisingly, I was originally torn between druid and ranger.  But my point?  I can relate to druids.

Jim said I had to have a background, so here it is: Her name is Natalia.  She’s 22 and has been on her own since she was about 16, ever since she ran away from home because her parents were religious and wanted her to become a nun.  Natalia felt more at home in the woods than at church, that in the woods, she could “speak to God directly.”  By the way, if you’re getting the impression that I’m lifting a lot from Emily Dickinson’s background to make my character, you wouldn’t be wrong.   Jim made me roll three different sets of stats, pick from a set, and then distribute them.  Here’s what Natalia is looking like right now:

Strength: 13
Dexterity:  13
Constitution: 16
Intelligence: 8
Wisdom: 16
Charisma: 13

I actually rolled pretty decently, but this set was the best, despite the one really low score.  I picked from that one, reasoning that it almost everything else was awesome, but it was good for everyone to have one huge flaw.  Jim seemed pleased, proclaiming, “And a new power-gamer is born!”  I don’t know what that means.  I just know my girl is way strong for her size and not too bright.  She could totally make the football team.

Also, Natalia’s got a wolf named Beta.  “Get it?” I said to Jim.  “Like Alpha wolf, but he’s Beta?  Also, like the VCR back in the day.”  Jim, like myself, has a soft spot for bad puns.

“Ha,” Jim said.  “But if you get another pet and call him Max…Although that totally gives me an idea about names for future characters I’m using.”

So we had everything ready.  He had a map drawn.  I had a character sheet.  We had chips and soda and cats trying to jump on the  bed to eat the dice.  I don’t blame them because my dice are kind of translucent and look like Jolly Ranchers and makes me want to eat them, too.  It is tempting to put them in your mouth, but Jim is under the (incorrect) impression that I am smarter than he is, and I like to keep up with false pretenses as long as possible.  So I refrain and envy my cats instead.

And Jim starts.  “There’s a road going north and south and woods.”  He stops and stares at me. I stare at him.

“Well?” he asks.

“What?” I ask back.

“What do you do?”

“Oh.  I’m supposed to decide?”  This, I think, is nothing like Warcraft.  When I first rolled Grimoira, back in the fall of 2006, she came back to the undead only to find her little crypt lined outside with questgivers, ready to tell her what to do.  Again, I wanted to tell them all I was already married once, assholes.

Make a decision!  Not good news for the wishy-washy, but Jim wasn’t budging, so I said I was going to go to the woods.  I mean, duh, I’m a druid.  He asks what I’m going to do.  And I here’s where I think I’m doing it wrong because I announce, “Well, I’m gonna find a house”–and Jim looks at me a moment like I’ve actually eaten my dice before he recovers and goes along with it.

Immediately, I think, ah, shit, I’ve already screwed up, but I’m persistent.  If I’m leaving town and going off into the woods to live, it’s logical that one of the first things I’m going to do is figure out where to live. 

So my character goes off into the woods with Beta.  By the way, for a druid who is supposed to know the woods, my druid can’t find crap, so she’s hungry and already a little on the thin side.  I feel like I’m in middle school doing the crash-dieting all over again.  Beta and I do find a cave, though.  And then hear sniffing.  It’s dark.  Yay!  I get to use a spell.  My first spell?  LIGHT.  Hey, if it’s good enough for God, it’s good enough for me.

Jim tells me it’s a man.  I don’t remember his exact description, but the guy strikes me as kinda homeless-sounding, which, yes, I know makes sense given we’re in the middle of the woods, but my intelligence score is an 8, okay?  I’m pretty sure that rates as “really fucking retarded” on the IQ test.  The guy tells me it’s HIS cave.  I tell Jim that Natalia wants to maybe make a trade because she’s cold and hungry and just wants a place to sleep for the night.  Now, I was thinking of, you know, keeping my fingers crossed and rolling good enough to find the guy food in the morning as compensation because he doesn’t sound like he eats his Wheaties, but Jim has other ideas, as the guy LEERS at Natalia.

“Oh my GOD, Jim.” I say.  “Fucking pervert!”

“What?” Jim says.  “He’s just looking at her like a guy who just found a young, 22 year old girl offering him to give him SOMEthing to stay the night!”

I jab at the book.  “I was thinking, you know, something like this ‘goodberry’ spell to feed him in the morning!  I thought he was hungry!”

“Well, he is–”

“I’M LEAVING THE CAVE.”  So that’s how Natalia runs away from the perv and finds a dead tree that Jim says would be okay to sleep in.  Then I make another annoucement that I don’t think Jim expects.  “I’m going to make a treehouse.  Like that totally awesome one in Swiss Family Robinson.”

Again, Jim balks.  Now I know I’m doing it all wrong but refuse to acknowledge, and Jim, wonderful guy that he is, lets me do whatever I want.  He’s SO husband-material.  He looks at the book and says, “Um, that’s gonna cost you about 15,000 copper worth of materials.”

Okay, so I don’t have that, but whatever.  She’s going to start work in the morning.  Natalia goes to sleep and Jim tells me that I wake to find my wolf is gone.  Turns out Beta is better at hunting than I am and brings some dead critters.  Beta eats it.  I roll to see if I can start a fire to cook it on, fail miserably, and growl, “Fine, I can’t eat that–I’m gonna find some fucking berries or something.”  This time, I’m shaking my dice vigerously and LET ‘EM ROLL.  Victory!  I find berries.  Eat THAT.

So Natalia starts on her tree house.  I have to roll for every freakin’ thing.  I swear, you have to roll to decide if you want to pee.  Each roll tells me how much materials I find for my treehouse.  70 coppers worth.  75.  I look at my notebook miserably, telling Jim this is going to take forever.  He agrees, and we decide to roll for a weekly-basis rather than daily. 

Natalia isn’t too far long when she finally hears a woman behind her asking her what she’s doing.  Jim notes that Beta is nearby but hasn’t even noticed that she’s there.  Guess what?  Turns out my druid as suspicious as I am, reasoning that something is not “natural” about this woman if she can get past a wolf with no problems.  The problem?  Is she good or bad?  I’m never good at telling this stuff; if I had been, I probably would have spared myself grief on some of the choices I’ve made on friends in the past.

I call Beta over, who finally sees her and seems fine, so I decide not to attack.  I forget her name, though.  Rovina?  I’ll ask Jim.  But let me tell you, Jim does a creepy woman’s voice.  (He claims I’m supposed to find her creepy, but I think I’ll just find him creepy imitating any woman.)  Anyway, Jim/Creepy Lady tells me that Derrikol Forest is split up in territories and I’m on the Cave Pervert’s territory.  Turns out I didn’t run away far enough.  She also says that Cave Pervert is more than just a man, someone who’s into some goddess named Hesta.  Now I can decide to stay here with Religious Cave Pervert on Steroids or Creepy Lady.  Beta’s not growling, so I’ll go with Creepy Lady for 500, Alex.

Creepy Lady tells me she lives about a day and a half away in the forest, but Jim tells me that it’s much faster, that I should be getting the impression that she’s cast some sort of spell to do that.  Her cabin has a bunch of skulls hanging outside it.  I verify that at least none of them are human, go in.  There’s someone else there that Jim calls Rosco (I think Jim said he’s actually used this character before) who very rudely just eats and ignores me.  I’m told, in not so many words, that Cave Pervert is a man named Alesander, who happens to be a werewolf.  And I’m in his territory, he probably knows I’m still around, and is waiting to see what I can do or if I’m affiliated with anyone.  It won’t take him long to figure out Natalia is by herself.  Shit.  I try to find out if anyone’s ever tried taking him out, but Creepy Lady tells me that he’s beyond her scope or some B.S. like that, that the only other person who would possibly be interested in going after him is a wizard nearby.  Natalia, however, is all but kicked out of the house for expressing interest in getting the wizard’s help.  Apparently, this lady doesn’t like this wizard.

Whatever, lady.  I got a treehouse to build and a werewolf to kick out.

So Natalia starts off toward the wizard’s.  Jim makes me roll dice to see if I have any encounters.  I do.  Some guy with an axe attacks me.  I drop my scimitar.  Jim’s rolling for Beta.  Beta, while awesome, is a lame wolf.  Seriously.  My puppy can’t bite for shit.  He misses constantly.  The man swings at me and misses.  I’m annoyed.  I have no weapon, my wolf is lame, and some guy is attacking me with an axe after a really shitty day.  I announce that I want to bash him over the head with my wooden shield.  Yeah, wooden.  Because, apparently, druids can’t have metal.  And did I decide on something wrong?  Because Jim said he had to look up shield bashing “just because [he hadn't] seen it in so long.”

Huh.  Whatever.  Because, dear Veteran D&Ders of the world, one of you possibly reading this and groaning at my noob mistakes?  GUESS WHAT?  Clocking him over the head with my shield worked.  He went down, we finished him off, and then Jim goes, “Uh…before you go, don’t you think you should do something?”

Pause.  Longer pause.  Do? I’m imagining Natalia looking down at this guy with Beta.  Feed him to Beta?  What?  We’re full, and I’m not that kind of girl.  Then my brain switches to Grimoira or Alsana after downing a mob and…

“LOOT.  I need to loot him.”

“Yes!”  Jim’s acting proud that I figured this out but is probably secretly wondering how I make it in real life.  My only defense is I’m not in the habit of robbing dead bodies in real life.  More rolling.  Woot, I get an axe, some other crap, and plenty of gold. 

Now I’m off to see the wizard.  I get to the castle and knock, only to find out that the actual wizard is dead and some kid apprentice name Rayland is there.  I want to stop here and say this character, I like.  He reminds me of  Wart from The Sword in the Stone.  You know, kind of a kind-hearted dweeb.  Kind of like what I imagine Jim to be like at 16.  (Sorry, baby, I love you, but it’s true.)  But maybe that’s why Jim plays it so well.  And maybe that’s why Natalia teases him mercilessly, much like I tease Jim in real life.  Maybe that’s why when Rayland mumbles that he could help me, he’s a wizard, too, but when he wonders what he’s going to be the wizard of, and I say “of Oz,” he doesn’t really appreciate it that much.

Rayland tells me his master died in a duel, so he’s sticking around the castle since, technically, everything is now his.  I suggest that people are gonna come after him unless he gives them a reason to think twice about it.  Hey, you know what would really make them think twice about it?  Why, killing a werewolf!  So why don’t you mosey on over to my neck of the woods and help me clear him out?  You take the glory of killing the wolf, and I can build my freakin’ treehouse. 

Turns out Rayland doesn’t need convincing.  He thinks dueling anything is a great idea.  Natalia and Rayland plot and go after Alesander, figuring that the nearly-full moon means that Alesander should be at his weakest.  (Oh, yeah, something to note: werewolves in this world seemed to be more of a new-moon thing than a full-moon thing.)  Before the two of them go, though, Natalia prepares a scroll and Rayland gives her some fire potion.

Oh, yeah.  That’s something else I learned here about D&D.  At level 1, I can only do three level-0 spells and two level-1 spells.  And you have to prepare them first.  Which kind of sucks.  What if, on the way to the werewolf, we fall into a pit?  I will have wished I had picked “Detect Snares and Pits” over something like “Obscuring Mist.”  The scroll, I learned, enabled me to “read” another spell in addition to the ones I would cast.  Which is good because I really wanted to include “Entangle.”  So Rayland prepared whatever wizards do (hell if I know) and I set up Flare, Resistance, Virtue, Cure Light Wounds, Magic Fang, and prepared a scroll with Entangle on it.  Hey, I’ve played a druid on Warcraft.  Entangle is some nifty shit.

And this was our plan: Hey!  Natalia will call him out, you get behind and do your wizard thing, then I’ll entangle him, chop off his head, and Beta will eat him!

Turns out it all sucked.  First of all, a couple of my spells are buff spells that I completely forgot to use.  Hell, Jim had Beta do weird growling noises and baring his teeth at me to remind me to cast Magic Fang on him.  Natalia and Rayland go back to the cave, with Rayland hiding off to the side to jump and Natalia calling Alesander out, pretending that she had changed her mind.  Rayland jumps Alesander.  Beta attacks and is down.  Dammit, Jim, you’re not rolling for my Beta anymore because you keep missing!  Rayland throws a few tricks but the guy’s still standing.   (Although Jim describes what Rayland is doing and what the spells he’s casting looks like, neither Natalia nor myself knows what it is since neither one of us knows much about wizards.) 

And, it turns out, we don’t know much about werewolves either.  We had figured Alesander wouldn’t be able to transform because of the full moon.  Turns out he can and did–after my Flare and Entangle both fail miserably.  Rayland says he’s got nothing left.  Alesander clocks Rayland in the face and comes after me.  And I really have nothing to throw at him now, since stabbing him with my scimitar isn’t going to do much and my pup is out of the game.

So, in a last-ditch effort, Natalia heaves at the werewolf the last thing she’s got: The fire potion thingy that Rayland gave her.  At first, we’re all worried because the wolf isn’t going down immediately, and now, in total druid-fashion, Natalia and I worry this asshole is going to burn down the forest because nobody ever bothered to tell him to stop, drop, and roll.  Then he goes down and Rayland stomps out the fire.  Jim explained to me later that, after yet (surprise!) more dice-rolling, the fire caused exactly enough damage to kill Alesander.

Yay.  More loot.  I get an unidentified scroll that I can’t read yet.  When I can prepare the day’s spells again, you can bet that I will be listing “Read Magic.”  I forget what else there was, but Rayland took the werewolf hide to turn into a cloak and my promise that if anyone asked, he killed the werewolf. 

And now Natalia has Alesander’s territory, a place to build her super-awesome treehouse, AND a cave to stay in with Beta in the meantime.  Rayland rode home, although not before hinting to Natalia to give him a call if she ever decides to kill Creepy Lady.   Apparently, he doesn’t like her either.   So far Natalia’s non-commital about that until they actually do something.  She’s neutral-good, after all, and honestly, trying to collect 15,000 copper-worth of material for a treehouse doesn’t leave a girl a whole lot of time for maiming the neighbors.

So…the end.  Well, not really.  Later today, we play Part Two.

Tags: D&D, dork training, druid, first D&D game, gaming, homebrew D&D, Homebrewed, Jim, Natalia, Warcraft

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 28th, 2010 at 12:05 pm and is filed under Geekdom. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.