How my co-workers learned that you should never suddenly switch topics on me at 7:30 in the morning:
Angela: Did you see the new Phantom of the Opera or the old one?
Me: New one, I think. And I was reading these Amazon reviews, and you know what? I don’t get these girls who think the Phantom is romantic! He’s a creepy guy in the basement who’s a control-freak. The moment that girl starts getting interested in someone, he kidnaps her! He doesn’t give her a choice about anything. These girls obviously have never been with a control-freak. There’s nothing romantic about it.
Steve: Well, you know, he didn’t really live in a basement, it was more like a dungeon…
Me: See? A REALLY COOL BASEMENT. What’s he whining about? It’s nicer than my apartment.
Heather: Have you read the book? The Phantom is actually an old guy, so it’s even more gross.
Steve (suddenly standing over the cubicle wall with a box of candy): Hey, want some sugar? Have some sugar. I’ll be your sugar daddy! Have some sugar!
Me (startled by the sudden change of subject): Huh? Where’d you get all the candy?
Steve: It’s my birthday this weekend.
Me: Nice. No, thank you.
Steve (pretending to be offended): Well, FINE, then.
Me: What? Do you WANT me to eat your sugar?
Angela (laughing): OH, MY GOD, Spring, you didn’t just say that!
Steve: I don’t know, Spring, do you WANT me to be your Phantom?
Me: No…no, that’s okay…thanks…
Sadly, I was so tired this morning, it took a couple of minutes of Angela and Steve laughing at me for me to realize what I had said.
A conversation between Jim and myself while watching Supernatural.
Jim: That guy obviously isn’t a gamer. Every gamer worth his salt knows that you don’t summon a demon.
Me: Oh, yes, Jim, because only gamers know that. Regular people would never know not to summon a freakin’ demon. Gamers are so special.
Jim: You know…you’ve been very mean to me recently.
Me: Recently? I think the word you’re looking for is continually.
By the way, I’ve accused Jim of being meaner lately too. But that’s what happens when you have a woman whose hormones are going crazy paired with a man who is trying to quit smoking. We’re both assholes lately.
But I think what he said hit on a nerve. Just because you’ve rolled some dice in your day doesn’t automatically entitle you to more common sense than the average person. You’ve probably also killed people in combat during games; does that also make you more prone to murdering people who happen to cross your path? No.
Games are not real life, people.
Okay, I’m done. I’ll come back when I’m less cranky.
A conversation that took place after Jim and Phil were saying random things in a questioning voice:
Jim: And if Megan were here, she would then say “Babies?”
[I shoot Jim a quizzical look, which probably looked like my What kind of retarded crap is this? look.]
Me: Uh…did she like babies or something?
Jim: No, it’s something that she would say if she didn’t know how to respond to something. She’d say Babies? And then if you didn’t answer, she’d go Cock!
[Me, still staring at Jim with my What kind of retarded crap is this? look.]
Me: So why didn’t you just answer with DINNER and be done with it?
Jim: …
Jim: I wish I had thought of that.
Seriously? Nobody else ever thought to say this? I thought that was the obvious answer. Especially because you could also use it for cock.
Jim on why he was acting all grouchy at me after I had come home from work in a good mood:
Jim: I’m not mad at you, but…well, it’s I just that I was in a bad mood, and then you came home from work, all happy and whistling–well, you were AGGRESSIVELY CHEERFUL. You JOY RAPED ME.
Yup, two posts in one day. I almost forgot something Jim said to me while waiting in line at the Red Lobster to celebrate Valentine’s Day that I thought was funny:
Jim: I wish they had something around here where you could have a nice meal with adult entertainment or something.
Me: Like a strip-club…?
Jim: Hell, they can even have strippers in the other room. I don’t care. Just a nice restaurant with something adult going on, so you could be guaranteed a nice dinner without little kids around all the time. For once, I wish I could take you to a nice dinner without having to deal with everyone else’s little CROTCH DROPPINGS.
Good grief, will somebody make me wash the dishes already?
So. Hi. I feel better. Not 100%, but maybe 80%. Which is a B. Which is not A-quality as in excellent, but still, VERY GOOD, good enough for me to start hitting on Jim again and trying to lure him into the bedroom with my best, lecherous grins.
Of course, by the time we get in there, I’ve hacked up a couple of times and gone through a box of Kleenex and immediately pass out as soon as I crash onto the mattress. So, okay. That’s maybe not so sexy. I didn’t say advances on Jim were actually working.
But Jim and I are both doing better. Thank goodness because Friday, I sounded awful. Seriously, this is how it went down on Friday morning:
Co-worker 1: Hi, Spring.
Me [croaking]: Hello.
Co-worker 1 [eyes wide]: Oh, my.
Co-worker 2 [just appearing at her desk, so she hadn't heard me yet]: Well, good morning, Spring.
Me: Good morning.
Co-worker 2: WHAT is THAT?
Yeah, it was that bad.
For the first time since working there, I actually e-mailed my supervisor and asked to bow out of any phone duty that could come my way that day. I didn’t think I’d be put on anyway because it was Friday, so phones are slower, but I had also heard that the people we were supposed to be backing up had resumed their normal duties anyway, so the chances of me getting put on were that much slimmer. Still, I requested to not be put on, and my boss agreed to it.
The funny part, though, is that my supervisor also needed to give me my evaluation, but he wouldn’t come near me. Instead, he did it with me over the phone. Luckily, I didn’t have to do a whole lot of talking.
(My eval was really good, by the way. I’m pleased.)
Anyway, I felt better last night to demand–er, nicely ask–Jim to take me on a drive. First I had to make sure he was up to it, since he hasn’t been feeling well either, but thankfully, he did. I say “thankfully” because I was starting to get cabin fever.
I love our drives. I even love listening to Jim talk about his old games. Well, let me be honest: I have a love-hate thing for listening to his old games. I think I like it as long as we’re in the car and going. Depending on what mood I’m in, I don’t even mind hearing about some of the people he knows in them. If I’m in a good mood, I’ll just laugh (Oh, my god! That girl seriously cried and threw things when her character died? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) or if I’m a morally-superior mood, then I get all huffy (That’s really disgusting that that girl left her freakin’ HUSBAND for a 15 year old boy that she met while GAMING.) Honestly, the two moods are not mutually exclusive. Jim gets really confused.
By the way, I don’t think that last one actually happened. I exaggerate to make a point. But I exaggerate only a little. And my point? Jim used to know some people who border on freakin’ creepy. No wonder why he never wants to leave the house now, heh.
I think he ran into some the other day, actually. Well, okay, they weren’t the actual creeps. I think these were nice, normal people, but people who knew him back when Jim didn’t have standards and hung out with creeps habitually, heh. They told Jim about a game that they were running, told him he should join them sometime.
“And I was so happy,” Jim said, “because I finally could say I’m sorry, but I don’t do LARP anymore.”
I frowned. “Didn’t you quit that, like, a long time ago? Wasn’t that kind of a kid thing?”
“Yes, but it was nice to finally say out loud to someone else!” Jim laughed. “It was like this horrible thing, and I finally got to say I’m off that stuff now.”
Jim’s a funny guy. And if they are really nice people, he should probably keep in touch with them and do non-LARP things. Apparently, decent folk in southern Illinois can be hard to come by.
One thing that made me happy, though, during our driving and talking time, is that Jim says he misses our D&D game.
“It’s because of Phil, right?” I said. Because, seriously, this is Jim and Phil:
Okay, they really are not NEARLY that bad, but still. I’d bet money that if someone told Jim he could only keep one friend in his life (besides me) and drop all the others, Phil would be the one he’d keep. But Phil’s good people, so I approve.
“Well, I enjoy gaming with Phil, that’s true,” Jim admitted. “But that’s not what I meant. Our game is fun. And you seem to enjoy it. I like running it for you.”
“Even when you make me mad in the middle of it and I sulk?”
“Yup.”
“You DO realize that pretty much happens EVERY TIME you make me role-play, right? When you FORCE me to role-play, I feel put on the spot and then I get pissed at you about it.”
“I’ve noticed,” Jim said. ”And I’m good about not doing that to you too often.”
HA. HAHAHAHA. Whatever, Jim. Seriously, I like watching them role-play scenes, but I hate doing it myself. I explained to Jim that it was akin to having to give presentations in class. It FREAKS ME OUT.
Also, to put it out there: I get really crabby when I have to make a decision. I think I’ve decided just now that I actually want to start doing games with more people. My odds of getting “called on” are less.
Blah, what else is new? OH. My dad just sent me an e-mail to tell me he was making out his will and wanted to know if I would like to be “burdened” with their house. Eh? What about Mom? OMG, DAD, ARE YOU TAKING HER WITH YOU? I kid, but seriously, I don’t want to think about this. And I know I need to because…well…my daddy’s getting old. They told him he wouldn’t make it to 50 with the way his health is; now, he’s going on 67. Last time I saw him, he seemed much older. My dad was always a very quiet person, but when Jim and I went to visit him and Mom last May, he was talking up a storm, often repeating things he had just said. It worries me.
Okay, we’re not going to think about that. On a cheerier front, the weather has warmed up. It’s feeling very spring-like, and you know what’s gonna happen in the spring? I’m getting married to the most awesome man EVER, that’s what! And, no, we still haven’t done any preparing because we figure it’s going to be so casual anyway, but sometimes, I like to pretend that we’re going to end up doing something like this:
Me: Jim, if you’re looking for ideas of what to give me for Valentine’s Day, I’ve got a couple suggestions.
Jim: Like what?
Me: I would really like a set of new measuring spoons.
Jim: Measuring spoons? That’s what you want for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Yes. Because all the numbers on my measuring spoons have rubbed off.
Jim: Measuring spoons? You’d be okay with that? That’s seriously what you want for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Yes. I mean, Valentine’s Day is for luxury gifts. And not having to guess which measuring spoon is which would be a luxury.
Jim: Okay, I guess…
[Next day]
Me: Hey, Jim? I was thinking…if you don’t want to give me measuring spoons for Valentine’s Day, you know what you could get me? A cutting board! A nice, big, wooden cutting board…
Me: How come you didn’t try to rush things when we first got together, if you were kind of fast with other girls before me?
Jim: I didn’t want to mess it up with you. I wanted everything to be right. I actually respected you.
Me: Gee, nice, Jim. I’m sure those girls would really appreciate you saying that.
Jim: Well, it’s just–well, it was different with you. You were like a real person…
Yeah, the conversation didn’t get any better from there. But at least I’m not the only mean one in this relationship. One day, I should post some stuff he says about my ex-husband. Now that would be funny.
Promise I’ll do a real post soonish. But right now, the Internet is slow and annoying.
