Just another one girl revolution.

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Tuesday bluesday.

Last night, I got a text from a co-worker, livid over some bad news she had heard. At work, they’ve raised the numbers we need to hit, then there are various system issues, changes they have implemented that make simply moving on to another inquiry more difficult, and as a consequence, a lot of people’s numbers are dropping.

And some work from home people are actually being sent back to work in the office.

I’m always pretty determined to stay on task, but today, I was extra determined. And even with the extra fire, it wasn’t good enough. I mean, I’ll probably end up average, but when you’ve gone so long excelling, it just feels like failure.

All she wants to do it rant, rant.

Sorry for the title, I have “All She Wants to Do is Dance” stuck in my head, for some reason. Go figure, because it’s not like I’ve been listening to that song, and it’s sure as hell not because I want to dance.

Today: Worked from 7 am to a little after 5. Phil was already here. When I heard he was coming over, I guessed it was because Ben officially quit Deadlands, and no Ben means no Kristie, and Jim knows I’m not very comfortable playing with many other people. (Or, let’s be honest, anyone, really.) So Jim and Phil are not too happy and discussing what’s going to happen with Deadlands. More than likely, it’s going to fold.

Anyway, all this is background. Point is, I’m tired of gaming. Not gaming itself, since I don’t do much of it, but I’m tired of the overwhelming presence it has in our lives and in my marriage. It’s a topic of conversation all the time, and it always seems to come with drama that puts Jim in a mood. Not long ago, I told Jim I didn’t really want hear about gaming anymore, but coming off my long day at work (which, incidentally, was also not an easy day), I got to deal with a grumpy, overly-sensitive husband, which always then puts me on edge, and to top it off, the hot topic? Gaming.

Ate dinner. Vincent was extremely fussy. I swear, I think he’s worse when he’s around company he’s more comfortable around. Every time Phil comes over, I find myself saying, “Seriously, he’s not usually like this.” Because he’s not. I don’t know what his deal is.

But he was fussy, wasn’t eating dinner, and I had decided even before I got off work that I was going to take him to the park because he’s usually indoors too much, and maybe he could work up an appetite. Besides, it was finally sunny today! And while was  gathering stuff together, I heard Phil and Jim talking about Karac’s game, talking about the possibility of doing that every Saturday. Jim swears he won’t. I am seriously NOT thrilled about the idea. But if he doesn’t do it and they do run every Saturday, he’s going to mope, give me the sad, I’m so put-upon eyes.

This is frustrating. It’s frustrating because Jim want to pretty much game with Phil, and Phil wants to fill his life up with gaming. But here’s the thing: Phil is going through a divorce. When he leaves for the evening, he doesn’t leave behind a family. He does not leave behind an exhausted wife who has worked all day and now has handle all the kid stuff alone while her grown husband is off pretending to battle imaginary monsters.

And it’s not like I have a problem with the work that comes with being a mom. I knew it was coming, I expected it, and welcomed it. The problem I have is feeling like one spouse in this marriage is working almost all the time when the other has decidedly more breaks. I have a problem with the lack of fairness.

Yesterday, it had gone quite a while since I had gotten any alone time, that I started feeling shaky and sick. Jim actually elected to not go to Warhammer to give me a break. It was welcome. It was needed. I never asked for him to do that, but I appreciated that he did. I didn’t even bring my phone with me, I just turned on the fan to block out noise and curled up into a ball under the covers to block out any sight. I just wanted sensory deprivation at that point. I felt like vomiting. I almost cried with relief to finally be alone and have some freakin’ quiet.

I laid awake that for a long time, relishing the solitude, until I finally dozed off. And, no, I had no problems falling asleep last night either.

Sometimes, I think I’m so mentally exhausted, that it’s making me physically exhausted, because, honestly, there is so much I need to do and I’m just too tired. Honestly, I’m barely getting through this. I just need something to occupy my time so I have an excuse to be in my room until a respectable bedtime because I do not want to be in the living room. I do not want to hear and discuss any more about gaming.

Hey, look. 9:44. I think that’s a respectable bedtime. And if not, whatever. I can’t keep my eyes open forever.

Goodbye, weekend. You kind of sucked.

Friday, my co-worker IMed something along the lines of Yay, it’s Friday! and it really did nothing for me. I knew the weekend wasn’t going to be a good one. The visitation for Jim’s cousin was Friday, the funeral was Saturday, leaving Sunday for nothing but chores, errands, and obligations.

I thought I would at least be going to the visitation or the funeral. I assumed I would try to get my overtime in on Saturday around the funeral. But things came up, plans kept getting rearranged, and it just didn’t  happen. I did end up babysitting on Friday (oddly, watching two 2-years-olds wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be), but I didn’t on Saturday, when I expected I would. But somehow, with the all the rearrangements and things we needed to get done, I just didn’t really have time for overtime.

It’s been very hectic lately, and it seems like I’m not doing much overtime as a consequence. Oh, yeah, and no, they haven’t taken it away yet. It was supposed to be gone by now, but the inventory is still too high, so they extended overtime through May.

Anyway, I feel bad that I didn’t make it to either the visitation or funeral, but babysitting the other toddler–Vincent’s 2nd cousin Sam, who is the first cousin of the boy who died–meant that his parents could be at the visitation and focus on grieving and helping out. I did wish I could have said goodbye, even though I didn’t know him well. I appreciated how good he was with Vincent. I’m sorry he felt like ending his own life was the only answer. Had I known, I would have tried to help. But I think if any of us had known, we all would have. We all feel that way, I’m sure.

That, and helpless.

Moving on before I get more depressed…

Following that was Jim’s Deadlands game. Ben and Kristie had to bow out. Jim’s not terribly happy because Ben has already mentioned having concert tickets for a night that falls on game night and is already planning another cancellation. Jim has stated that Ben has now cancelled as many games as he has attended. (He also missed the last one, but we ended up having to cancel game because we couldn’t find a sitter.) We had our game Saturday night, but Jim, Nick, and Phil stayed up afterwards to discuss a game that Nick plans on running should Deadlands fold, which it’s already starting to look like it will.

This morning, I admitted to him that I think Deadlands will be my last campaign that I do. Don’t get me wrong, the story is cool and the game is kind of fun, and Jim’s friends are really nice, but at the end of the day, they are huge roleplayers and I. Hate. It. HATE it. I like watching them do it, but I don’t want to do it. The few characters that I’ve made, I always pick someone non-descript and plain who doesn’t like to talk, so I don’t stick out and none of the NPCs will want to really deal with me, etc, but roleplaying still creeps in, and it just stresses me out.

Jim isn’t happy about it, but he’s pretty accepting and is toying with the idea of replacing me. I’m not jumping out, like, RIGHT NOW, though. I figured I will wrap up the game with everyone, but at this point, I’m not really interested in playing anymore. I told Jim that maybe I could take notes on his games so others wouldn’t have to, so I could still hear the stories and the roleplaying without having to participate.

To be honest, though, I just wish gaming would go away. I wish Jim would just outgrow it. But with Phil going through his divorce and now gaming all the time, it feels like Jim is getting swept back into it hardcore again. I don’t know. I know it’s just a hobby and I don’t think it’s better or worse than other hobbies; it’s just another thing we don’t have in common.


Yesterday, Jim told me that his dad had called. His cousin’s son had committed suicide. It floored me. We see the kid pretty much on holidays, and he always seemed to be so cheerful. I had heard he was really into wrestling in school. The loner, depressed kid stereotypes you think of when you think of people who commit suicide just didn’t fit him.

Last time I saw him, he was playing with Vincent. I remember thinking and commenting how good he was with Vincent. I was surprised because I hadn’t known before that he was good with kids. Vincent had a blast with him.

I thought maybe I just didn’t know him well enough to not see this coming, so I asked Jim: Were there any signs?

Nope. None. Jim’s cousin posted on Facebook that we may never know what happened. It’s so scary. He was only 15.


Earlier on Facebook, one of my friends mentioned Mercury being in a shadow period proceeding a retrograde or something like that. I had no clue what that meant, but it sounded interesting, so I looked it up in the few minutes I had between watching Vincent while Jim slept because he had a toothache (which miraculously disappeared in time for Warhammer tonight) and punching into work.

What little I gathered was it has something to do with Mercury and its path, something about appearing to move backward, etc, etc…but why were people saying things like I’ve felt like Mercury has been in retrograde all week?

Then I spotted it. Aha. It’s supposed to affect communication.

Now, I don’t know much about astrology at all, don’t really follow it, mostly read it occasionally as entertainment and then usually forget what I’ve read. (I don’t retain much these days, except water, heh.) But the conversation popped into my head tonight. With Jim gone and Vincent in bed, I got it into my head that I needed to get back into writing. Why not? I’m feeling good and moody for it.

But there’s a problem: I can’t seem to write anymore.

I don’t know what’s happened. I used to be really good at writing short fiction. I wrote entire stories the day or two before they were due (not a good practice to adopt, by the way), and my professors often told me that I didn’t need much revision for my stories to be publishable.

And now…I can’t write. I have nothing.

I chalk it up to being much happier now than I used to be. Jim frustrates me, but he doesn’t leave me empty and sad and scared the way my ex-husband did. And Vincent is just the light of my life. I wonder if finally being fulfilled robbed me of really my only talent…or if I even had a talent to begin with, if I could lose it so easily?

I guess I can do what everyone else does and just work on it.

Or I can blame Mercury. :)

The long road.

I had a dream about my dad last night. In my dream, it was the day he died again but just a few hours before. He would still die, I was told, but at least this time, I could be there.

The problem was that we were on a road, a road that was hundreds of miles long, if not more, and there were thousands of people between us.  Dad was so far ahead. I yelled and pushed through the crowd as hard as I could. I had a million things to say, to ask,  but he  couldn’t see or hear me, and I could never catch up.

Welcome to the world, Louie!

Jim’s brother Dan and his wife Nana welcomed their first child, a baby boy, into the world yesterday. Here’s a picture of Louie, the little member of the family:


Louie Kanato

He’s so freakin’ cute! Look at that face. In some pictures, he reminds me a little of his big cousin Vincent. :)

Interesting note is that his birthday is going to be tricky for me. He was born yesterday in USA time (the 24th), but it was the 25th where they are (Okinawa). So he’s, like, a baby FROM THE FUTURE! Ha, I kid, I kid.

Workin’ it.

I was going to move this blog. I was. I had exported it and moved it back to its old location at chaoticspring.wordpress.com. The idea was that I would save money by moving it back to free hosting.

The problem is that my husband has a springading.com email address that he uses–much to my dismay–for EVERYTHING.  I say that because when he gave it to the woman at the bank, I cringed and prayed she wouldn’t remember it and look it up later, wondering what the hell kind of domain that was. When he originally created it, I thought he would just be using it for forums where the email addresses tend to be private. Nope. He used it for our mortgage stuff, guys.

Anyway. I hate that. But Jim really wants me to keep the domain, so my plan is now to just find cheaper hosting. So now I’m in process of removing the stuff that is currently on this site from my old WordPress site. I may move my BlogSpot blog about crafting over to the WordPress, since I like WordPress much better. We shall see.

For now, I’m still deleting out all the posts and looking at THIS while I wait for the computer to do its thing:

The Tightwad Gazette

The Tightwad Gazette

Oh, yeah! I read this a long time ago, back when I was young and married to my first husband (so “stupid” is also implied there too, ha ha!) and I managed to slash our grocery bill by 40% almost immediately–and without coupons. This book is a compilation of three books, so I don’t think this is exactly the one I read. I remember the book being much smaller. So I’m pretty excited. I may end up starting a whole new blog just for being frugal and just saving in general. Hey, gotta have a hobby, am I right? 😛

Gah, overwhelmed!

I’ve decided recently that we really need to do some slashing of expenses, some serious budgeting. So the last couple of weeks, I’ve been buying Sunday papers for the coupons. Jim normally does the shopping–and he gets almost frothing at the mouth when I suggest that I do it again, so I assume a part of him kind of likes doing the shopping–but seriously, I would feel better if I was more involved in it again. It would take a few trips for me to get back into the swing of things, but I was once a good shopper; I’m sure I could be that way again.

Before, though, way back in the day, when I cut my grocery budget super low, it was without coupons because I pretty much made and did everything myself. No kidding, I made my own bread EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I don’t really have time for that now, but JIM does stay at home, aaaaaannnd…now I have a bread machine. So maybe I have no excuse! lol.

Anyway, this time, I decided to try looking into coupons. My mother gets a TON of stuff because she’s, like, an expert with  those things. She is actually good enough that she has gone to the store to go shopping and come back WITH money that the store paid HER.

So I’m looking into it. I had a book on couponing my Kindle, but sadly, I think my Kindle is no longer with us. I guess I could read it on Jim’s iPad, but I would have pry it from his cold, dead hands. (I kid, he’ll let me use the iPad; it’s just hard to find a time that he’s not on it.)

So I decided to just go based on what I know. Look at sales ads, try to match coupons to sales. Rather than digging through my whopping two weeks of newspaper coupons and wasting time, I pull up Coupon Tom. And then I get overwhelmed. I Heart Kroger  is talking about this great deal on smoked sausage! Click the link for smoked sausage! Link doesn’t work! I don’t see this coupon anywhere! Coupon Tom doesn’t show it! What the hell can you use smoked sausage for anyway?! OH MY GOD, I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE THIS.

And then I remember why I thought it was just easier to bake bread everyday. lol.

Oh, well. I’m determined. But it’s going to have to happen after church.

I hate when my paranoia is valid.

Work has been busy. Almost every day, I do overtime. At one time, I worried about losing overtime.

“You’re crazy,” everyone said. “Look how much inventory we have.”

And we do. We have a lot, and it doesn’t seem to be getting to the levels where management would like it at.

So I do overtime. Not as much as before Vincent. But still, it is almost an everyday thing for me, and it’s still more than quite a few people I know. For me to not to do it is unusual. I have debts I want to pay off, a house I’d like to make my own.

This week, because I’ve been so stressed and not feeling well, Jim and I agreed that financially, it would not hurt us for me to take a week off from overtime. (With the exception of today because it was Divisional Saturday.)

I kept thinking all week that I didn’t really feel any less stressed, and all I could think of was the money I wasn’t making. But I did enjoy the extra time with Vincent in the mornings, the extra sleep I got. I did feel better that way.

Until today. Today, I suddenly wished I hadn’t gotten that extra sleep. (I will never be sorry for the extra time with Vincent, not for all the money in the world.) Because today, we got an email saying to work overtime while we could as overtime opportunities would be ending soon.

And it sounds like it’s in, like, two weeks.

I texted a friend, and at first he was surprised, then he reminded me of how they were outsourcing our easier work. Except that he didn’t really have to remind me. It’s been in my mind a long time. I just didn’t realize they were going to do it so soon.

So after I did overtime today, I took the dog out, then went for a walk to think about things. The last time we lost overtime, we started burning through our savings fast. And back then, I didn’t have a kid and a mortgage. I didn’t have medical bills that I had put onto credit cards.

At least my car is paid off now.

Before, I knew it was probably only going to be a matter of time before overtime came back, and I was right. This time, I’m not so sure. Because our inventory is high and they’re still going to get rid of it. Because, this time, they’re actually outsourcing some of work. That’s something they’ve never done before.

Sometimes, I wonder how Jim and I don’t get ahead more. We don’t go out and do much. We’re always saying, “No, we can’t, we don’t have the money.” I see people who have far less money doing far more. I suspect that is why they have far less. At least they’re having fun. We don’t have fun or money–how does that even work?

I love my husband, but man, right now, I really envy my friends who have husbands with jobs. But if he worked, it would mean Vincent would go into daycare, and whatever Jim made would just go to paying day care anyway. He could work nights, but I suspect Jim won’t do that unless it gets dire. Jim’s first go-to line when money gets tight is “I’ll get grocery bills down.” And he’ll buy a couple weeks of groceries and be happy about how little he has spent, but the truth is that he rarely actually buys two weeks worth of groceries–we always don’t have enough of something and have to go back to the store to buy more.

The second line that Jim will say is “I will crack down with my writing and try to get some money in.”

Every time I hear this, I think lolz. Which is bad because I don’t even TEXT lolz. But, seriously, this is akin to “I’ll become a rock star and then help with rent.” Jim has had a few things published, but almost none of them were paying. I’m supportive of his wanting to become a writer, but when bills need to be paid, you don’t turn to the career that everyone struggles to even fill their gas tank with, you find something dependable and do writing on the side. I thought everyone knew this?

What I need to hear is “I’m going to pick up some applications.”

Like, seriously, it doesn’t have to be full time. Just a few nights a week.

Oh, well. I guess I’ll more time to do other stuff. Maybe I’ll pick up some applications myself.

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