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Just another one girl revolution.

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Goodbye, weekend. You kind of sucked.

Friday, my co-worker IMed something along the lines of Yay, it’s Friday! and it really did nothing for me. I knew the weekend wasn’t going to be a good one. The visitation for Jim’s cousin was Friday, the funeral was Saturday, leaving Sunday for nothing but chores, errands, and obligations.

I thought I would at least be going to the visitation or the funeral. I assumed I would try to get my overtime in on Saturday around the funeral. But things came up, plans kept getting rearranged, and it just didn’t  happen. I did end up babysitting on Friday (oddly, watching two 2-years-olds wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be), but I didn’t on Saturday, when I expected I would. But somehow, with the all the rearrangements and things we needed to get done, I just didn’t really have time for overtime.

It’s been very hectic lately, and it seems like I’m not doing much overtime as a consequence. Oh, yeah, and no, they haven’t taken it away yet. It was supposed to be gone by now, but the inventory is still too high, so they extended overtime through May.

Anyway, I feel bad that I didn’t make it to either the visitation or funeral, but babysitting the other toddler–Vincent’s 2nd cousin Sam, who is the first cousin of the boy who died–meant that his parents could be at the visitation and focus on grieving and helping out. I did wish I could have said goodbye, even though I didn’t know him well. I appreciated how good he was with Vincent. I’m sorry he felt like ending his own life was the only answer. Had I known, I would have tried to help. But I think if any of us had known, we all would have. We all feel that way, I’m sure.

That, and helpless.

Moving on before I get more depressed…

Following that was Jim’s Deadlands game. Ben and Kristie had to bow out. Jim’s not terribly happy because Ben has already mentioned having concert tickets for a night that falls on game night and is already planning another cancellation. Jim has stated that Ben has now cancelled as many games as he has attended. (He also missed the last one, but we ended up having to cancel game because we couldn’t find a sitter.) We had our game Saturday night, but Jim, Nick, and Phil stayed up afterwards to discuss a game that Nick plans on running should Deadlands fold, which it’s already starting to look like it will.

This morning, I admitted to him that I think Deadlands will be my last campaign that I do. Don’t get me wrong, the story is cool and the game is kind of fun, and Jim’s friends are really nice, but at the end of the day, they are huge roleplayers and I. Hate. It. HATE it. I like watching them do it, but I don’t want to do it. The few characters that I’ve made, I always pick someone non-descript and plain who doesn’t like to talk, so I don’t stick out and none of the NPCs will want to really deal with me, etc, but roleplaying still creeps in, and it just stresses me out.

Jim isn’t happy about it, but he’s pretty accepting and is toying with the idea of replacing me. I’m not jumping out, like, RIGHT NOW, though. I figured I will wrap up the game with everyone, but at this point, I’m not really interested in playing anymore. I told Jim that maybe I could take notes on his games so others wouldn’t have to, so I could still hear the stories and the roleplaying without having to participate.

To be honest, though, I just wish gaming would go away. I wish Jim would just outgrow it. But with Phil going through his divorce and now gaming all the time, it feels like Jim is getting swept back into it hardcore again. I don’t know. I know it’s just a hobby and I don’t think it’s better or worse than other hobbies; it’s just another thing we don’t have in common.

Sadness.

Yesterday, Jim told me that his dad had called. His cousin’s son had committed suicide. It floored me. We see the kid pretty much on holidays, and he always seemed to be so cheerful. I had heard he was really into wrestling in school. The loner, depressed kid stereotypes you think of when you think of people who commit suicide just didn’t fit him.

Last time I saw him, he was playing with Vincent. I remember thinking and commenting how good he was with Vincent. I was surprised because I hadn’t known before that he was good with kids. Vincent had a blast with him.

I thought maybe I just didn’t know him well enough to not see this coming, so I asked Jim: Were there any signs?

Nope. None. Jim’s cousin posted on Facebook that we may never know what happened. It’s so scary. He was only 15.

Mercury-mangled.

Earlier on Facebook, one of my friends mentioned Mercury being in a shadow period proceeding a retrograde or something like that. I had no clue what that meant, but it sounded interesting, so I looked it up in the few minutes I had between watching Vincent while Jim slept because he had a toothache (which miraculously disappeared in time for Warhammer tonight) and punching into work.

What little I gathered was it has something to do with Mercury and its path, something about appearing to move backward, etc, etc…but why were people saying things like I’ve felt like Mercury has been in retrograde all week?

Then I spotted it. Aha. It’s supposed to affect communication.

Now, I don’t know much about astrology at all, don’t really follow it, mostly read it occasionally as entertainment and then usually forget what I’ve read. (I don’t retain much these days, except water, heh.) But the conversation popped into my head tonight. With Jim gone and Vincent in bed, I got it into my head that I needed to get back into writing. Why not? I’m feeling good and moody for it.

But there’s a problem: I can’t seem to write anymore.

I don’t know what’s happened. I used to be really good at writing short fiction. I wrote entire stories the day or two before they were due (not a good practice to adopt, by the way), and my professors often told me that I didn’t need much revision for my stories to be publishable.

And now…I can’t write. I have nothing.

I chalk it up to being much happier now than I used to be. Jim frustrates me, but he doesn’t leave me empty and sad and scared the way my ex-husband did. And Vincent is just the light of my life. I wonder if finally being fulfilled robbed me of really my only talent…or if I even had a talent to begin with, if I could lose it so easily?

I guess I can do what everyone else does and just work on it.

Or I can blame Mercury. :)

The long road.

I had a dream about my dad last night. In my dream, it was the day he died again but just a few hours before. He would still die, I was told, but at least this time, I could be there.

The problem was that we were on a road, a road that was hundreds of miles long, if not more, and there were thousands of people between us.  Dad was so far ahead. I yelled and pushed through the crowd as hard as I could. I had a million things to say, to ask,  but he  couldn’t see or hear me, and I could never catch up.

Welcome to the world, Louie!

Jim’s brother Dan and his wife Nana welcomed their first child, a baby boy, into the world yesterday. Here’s a picture of Louie, the little member of the family:

Louie

Louie Kanato

He’s so freakin’ cute! Look at that face. In some pictures, he reminds me a little of his big cousin Vincent. :)

Interesting note is that his birthday is going to be tricky for me. He was born yesterday in USA time (the 24th), but it was the 25th where they are (Okinawa). So he’s, like, a baby FROM THE FUTURE! Ha, I kid, I kid.

Workin’ it.

I was going to move this blog. I was. I had exported it and moved it back to its old location at chaoticspring.wordpress.com. The idea was that I would save money by moving it back to free hosting.

The problem is that my husband has a springading.com email address that he uses–much to my dismay–for EVERYTHING.  I say that because when he gave it to the woman at the bank, I cringed and prayed she wouldn’t remember it and look it up later, wondering what the hell kind of domain that was. When he originally created it, I thought he would just be using it for forums where the email addresses tend to be private. Nope. He used it for our mortgage stuff, guys.

Anyway. I hate that. But Jim really wants me to keep the domain, so my plan is now to just find cheaper hosting. So now I’m in process of removing the stuff that is currently on this site from my old WordPress site. I may move my BlogSpot blog about crafting over to the WordPress, since I like WordPress much better. We shall see.

For now, I’m still deleting out all the posts and looking at THIS while I wait for the computer to do its thing:

The Tightwad Gazette

The Tightwad Gazette

Oh, yeah! I read this a long time ago, back when I was young and married to my first husband (so “stupid” is also implied there too, ha ha!) and I managed to slash our grocery bill by 40% almost immediately–and without coupons. This book is a compilation of three books, so I don’t think this is exactly the one I read. I remember the book being much smaller. So I’m pretty excited. I may end up starting a whole new blog just for being frugal and just saving in general. Hey, gotta have a hobby, am I right? 😛

Gah, overwhelmed!

I’ve decided recently that we really need to do some slashing of expenses, some serious budgeting. So the last couple of weeks, I’ve been buying Sunday papers for the coupons. Jim normally does the shopping–and he gets almost frothing at the mouth when I suggest that I do it again, so I assume a part of him kind of likes doing the shopping–but seriously, I would feel better if I was more involved in it again. It would take a few trips for me to get back into the swing of things, but I was once a good shopper; I’m sure I could be that way again.

Before, though, way back in the day, when I cut my grocery budget super low, it was without coupons because I pretty much made and did everything myself. No kidding, I made my own bread EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I don’t really have time for that now, but JIM does stay at home, aaaaaannnd…now I have a bread machine. So maybe I have no excuse! lol.

Anyway, this time, I decided to try looking into coupons. My mother gets a TON of stuff because she’s, like, an expert with  those things. She is actually good enough that she has gone to the store to go shopping and come back WITH money that the store paid HER.

So I’m looking into it. I had a book on couponing my Kindle, but sadly, I think my Kindle is no longer with us. I guess I could read it on Jim’s iPad, but I would have pry it from his cold, dead hands. (I kid, he’ll let me use the iPad; it’s just hard to find a time that he’s not on it.)

So I decided to just go based on what I know. Look at sales ads, try to match coupons to sales. Rather than digging through my whopping two weeks of newspaper coupons and wasting time, I pull up Coupon Tom. And then I get overwhelmed. I Heart Kroger  is talking about this great deal on smoked sausage! Click the link for smoked sausage! Link doesn’t work! I don’t see this coupon anywhere! Coupon Tom doesn’t show it! What the hell can you use smoked sausage for anyway?! OH MY GOD, I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE THIS.

And then I remember why I thought it was just easier to bake bread everyday. lol.

Oh, well. I’m determined. But it’s going to have to happen after church.

I hate when my paranoia is valid.

Work has been busy. Almost every day, I do overtime. At one time, I worried about losing overtime.

“You’re crazy,” everyone said. “Look how much inventory we have.”

And we do. We have a lot, and it doesn’t seem to be getting to the levels where management would like it at.

So I do overtime. Not as much as before Vincent. But still, it is almost an everyday thing for me, and it’s still more than quite a few people I know. For me to not to do it is unusual. I have debts I want to pay off, a house I’d like to make my own.

This week, because I’ve been so stressed and not feeling well, Jim and I agreed that financially, it would not hurt us for me to take a week off from overtime. (With the exception of today because it was Divisional Saturday.)

I kept thinking all week that I didn’t really feel any less stressed, and all I could think of was the money I wasn’t making. But I did enjoy the extra time with Vincent in the mornings, the extra sleep I got. I did feel better that way.

Until today. Today, I suddenly wished I hadn’t gotten that extra sleep. (I will never be sorry for the extra time with Vincent, not for all the money in the world.) Because today, we got an email saying to work overtime while we could as overtime opportunities would be ending soon.

And it sounds like it’s in, like, two weeks.

I texted a friend, and at first he was surprised, then he reminded me of how they were outsourcing our easier work. Except that he didn’t really have to remind me. It’s been in my mind a long time. I just didn’t realize they were going to do it so soon.

So after I did overtime today, I took the dog out, then went for a walk to think about things. The last time we lost overtime, we started burning through our savings fast. And back then, I didn’t have a kid and a mortgage. I didn’t have medical bills that I had put onto credit cards.

At least my car is paid off now.

Before, I knew it was probably only going to be a matter of time before overtime came back, and I was right. This time, I’m not so sure. Because our inventory is high and they’re still going to get rid of it. Because, this time, they’re actually outsourcing some of work. That’s something they’ve never done before.

Sometimes, I wonder how Jim and I don’t get ahead more. We don’t go out and do much. We’re always saying, “No, we can’t, we don’t have the money.” I see people who have far less money doing far more. I suspect that is why they have far less. At least they’re having fun. We don’t have fun or money–how does that even work?

I love my husband, but man, right now, I really envy my friends who have husbands with jobs. But if he worked, it would mean Vincent would go into daycare, and whatever Jim made would just go to paying day care anyway. He could work nights, but I suspect Jim won’t do that unless it gets dire. Jim’s first go-to line when money gets tight is “I’ll get grocery bills down.” And he’ll buy a couple weeks of groceries and be happy about how little he has spent, but the truth is that he rarely actually buys two weeks worth of groceries–we always don’t have enough of something and have to go back to the store to buy more.

The second line that Jim will say is “I will crack down with my writing and try to get some money in.”

Every time I hear this, I think lolz. Which is bad because I don’t even TEXT lolz. But, seriously, this is akin to “I’ll become a rock star and then help with rent.” Jim has had a few things published, but almost none of them were paying. I’m supportive of his wanting to become a writer, but when bills need to be paid, you don’t turn to the career that everyone struggles to even fill their gas tank with, you find something dependable and do writing on the side. I thought everyone knew this?

What I need to hear is “I’m going to pick up some applications.”

Like, seriously, it doesn’t have to be full time. Just a few nights a week.

Oh, well. I guess I’ll more time to do other stuff. Maybe I’ll pick up some applications myself.

Plodding along.

I don’t know why I have been so stressed, but I have been. The results from the echocardio came back normal, so that’s good. But it doesn’t explain the intermittent chest pains, arm tingling/numbness…it doesn’t explain the headaches that are way worse than normal headaches but don’t quite qualify as a migraine. Well, I don’t think they do. What do I know?

And to top it off, my mood has gotten crazy lately. Like, Jim was obnoxious today–when isn’t he, honestly?–but, man, my reaction was just bad. I just got pissed. And later, I was just so upset, not just at him, but how pissed I got. I mean, things did not used to get to me much, but Jim, he just gets under my skin all the time.

I was doing so good, for so long. I feel like I’m spinning back into the dark, nursing days, where the hormones were so crazy that I was pretty much a certified nutcase for months.

At any rate, between the medical and mental crap, Jim and I decided that, for this week, I would try not doing any overtime and see how I felt. I actually ended up taking yesterday off, as both Jim and Vincent were sick, but here it is, almost Thursday, and I don’t know if, stress-wise, I feel any better. And I have a headache right now.

I’m afraid all this little experiment is going to do is make us poorer.

Maybe I just need a vacation.

At any rate, I’m trying to think of things to help me de-stress. I renewed Warcraft, but with all the updates I’ve had to do, I didn’t get a chance to do much on there. I was going to take the dog for a walk–hey, did I mention that we got a puppy?–but storms came in, so that’s out.

I did take a few hours to do some knitting a week or so ago, and I felt so much better, so maybe I’ll work more on that again. And, as always, when I’m stressed, I turn to journaling…

On that front, Jim has been submitting more stuff out, so good for him. I keep thinking how much I’m wasting my education in fiction as I haven’t really written anything since I graduated college, but I can’t think of things to write about. If I’m not thinking about Vincent, I tend to obsess over depressing things, and who wants to dwell on that?

Speaking of Vincent, he is doing well. He finally got out of the crib on his own, so a couple weeks ago, we transitioned him to a toddler bed. Some nights, he spends most the night in his own bed. Most nights, however, we find him fast asleep in ours.

Honestly, we’re pretty okay with that.

The other news on the Vincent-front is that the doctor referred him to a speech therapist because she claims his speech is not where it should be. We almost declined the offer for a referral. Honestly, I think Vincent is fine. I think he’s not around others much and an only child, so Jim and I tend to baby him and know what he means most of the time, so Vincent doesn’t really feel the need to talk. Also, he was so ahead physically, I think that he just focused on that rather than speech stuff. (That whole “early walker, late talker” thing that they say.) Also, both Jim and I have quite a few late talkers in both our families.

So, yeah, I think honestly that he will be fine, but it never hurts to get it checked out. Besides, if Vincent qualifies for the program, they’ll put him in a play group, and Jim and I are eager to get Vincent around more kids. That would be really awesome.

Okay, this headache is kicking my ass. I’m going to bed.

Livin’ the good life. :)

I’m trying to think of what has gone on since my last post. Let’s see. On the 24th, in honor of my dad, I declared it Family Day, took a day off to take Jim and Vincent out to breakfast and then out to The Magic House in St. Louis. I knew very little about it before we went, and we already plan on going back. Vincent LOVED it. I only managed to get a couple of pictures up on my Instagram account before my phone died. Next time, I’m hoping that that won’t happen because I will be getting a portable charger from work, yaaaay!

Yeah, that’s another topic entirely, moving on.

Last weekend, Jim and I headed back up to St. Louis again, except we left Vincent with one of his grandmothers. Jim, Phil, and I picked up a guy named Nick in Mt. Vernon. Funny, I say “a guy named Nick” as if nobody knew him beforehand. Okay, I’ve only met him once, briefly, at a New Year’s party, but that’s it. Jim and Phil, however, have known Nick for years.

So we went to St. Louis to Ben’s and Kristie’s. Ben and Kristie are newlyweds and act like it. It was cute watching them. And the place they hosted the game at was the roof of their apartment building, with windows all the way around, so we had a view of St. Louis all around us. It was just so cool.

Anyway, the game was Deadlands, Jim’s favorite (and I think Ben’s as well) and I think one Jim is kind of known for, as he’s knows it very, very well. Gaming-wise, I haven’t done much. I liked the few I’ve been in, but I’m not like Jim, who looks for a new game like a crack-fiend. And Kristie had never played one, ever. She seemed pretty into it by the end of the night, caught on to everything quickly, and seemed to have a great time. Jim was happy. I bet Ben’s proud. :)

The bad part, though, is that Jim totally lost track of time, so we didn’t leave until after 2 AM. Consequently, I ended up dozing off in the back of the van and kept waking up to my own snoring, bwahaha! I was right behind Nick, so I feel kind of bad for him. My hope is that he kept dozing off too and didn’t notice, but that probably isn’t my luck.

Jim and I didn’t get home until 6 am. Thankfully, Vincent’s grandmother wanted to take him to church, so we managed to get about 5-6 hours sleep before needing to pick him up.

Then, later that weekend, we had a triple birthday party dinner. Vincent, his grandma, and step-grandpa all have birthdays within days of each other. Yup, my little guy turned TWO. Where has the time gone?

The best thing that ever happened to me, right here.

The best thing that ever happened to me, right here.

Hmmm, what else? Work has been very good this year. They recently changed it so it is harder to meet the RE  this year. I thought that I had only met it, but I actually went above, so my pay raise and gain sharing was better than I had expected. Which is good because Jim and I had SO many bad, emergent, dental problems that we maxed out a couple of credit cards pretty quickly. With the gain sharing, I can probably get about half of it paid off this weekend alone.

On top of it, we’ve had other medical stuff. Vincent got sick for the first time ever, fever and everything. It was awful. Then Jim got sick. Then I got something that I thought was what they had, but I actually never did get sick–what I had was the beginning of symptoms that became more like heart attack symptoms as they presented themselves one by one. Yup, when I came in, they promptly did an EKG and I’m scheduled for a stress echo on Monday. Big fun, right?

Good thing I’m still working overtime, ha.

On the non-medical not so great side of things, plaster from our living room ceiling came plummeting to the living room floor the other day. Jim scraped it up, checked up in the attic, discovered a small leak. He thinks based on where it is, it will be a relatively easy (and cheap) fix. I have faith in him. So far, I’ve seen him fix a plethora of things now, everything from the roof on my sister’s old house (hey, did I mention she’s renting it out now?) to the plumbing in every single place that we’ve lived to drywall.

Yeah, he can do all these things and it’s hot. He just gets hotter all the time.

Speaking of hot:

Oh, the hotness.

Oh, the hotness.

Yeah, okay, confession, I am watching Vikings right now, yet again, so I’m a little distracted. I usually prefer dark hair and dark eyes in a guy–not shocking that Jim has both of these–but you cannot deny it when someone is THAT good-looking. And the character of Ragnar is just so awesome.

Anyway, I shouldn’t stay up too late. Jim is out with friends tonight, and I planned on getting up with Vincent, partly to give Jim a break, and partly because Vincent is the most cuddly in the morning, heh. Travis Fimmel is cute, but Vincent will always be my favorite blue-eyed boy. Ever.

 

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