I don’t even know how it started.
I was on Facebook. I could hear Vincent from time to time, making his settling-into-sleep noises in the next room. My sister Diana posted on Facebook: Mom’s late. I commented, Dad would be shaking his head right now, lol.
I was walking down the hallway, a million things on my mind. Work. New house. Kid who is a wonderful little boy but such a light sleeper. Stress, stress, stress.
What would Dad say about all this?
It’s a thought that creeps into my head frequently, but I push it out. I know what Dad would say. You bought a house! He’s not sleeping! Ooooh…I love you…well, I’m not good at talking on the phone, let me get your mother.
And then it hits me. Sunday is Father’s Day. I don’t have a father.
Literally, one minute I was happy and bouncing down the hall, and then next, I was bawling over the sink in the bathroom.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I don’t know where it came from. Maybe someone would say it’s been coming for months. I think about my dad a lot, but most of the time, I still feel numb about it. I don’t cry much. I think that if there’s anything after this, then he’s probably with Josh, and that makes me happy for Dad. Dad was never the same after Josh died.
If there’s anything after this, I imagine it’s peaceful. And I should be happy for them both.
But I’m selfish. I wish I could tell Dad about my new house. He knew how much I wanted my own place. I wish I could make plans with Josh to spend a week with me during the summer like he used to. I wish they could see Vincent, how he has Jim’s smile, but when he’s serious, he reminds me so much of a younger version of my dad. He’s even a light sleeper like my dad was.
I know what Dad would say to all these things. I know how he would say it. I can hear his voice in my head. He said the same things a million times in the same way, but I would give anything to hear it again.
I love you! I’m no good at this, let me get your mother…
Is this always going to be my memory of him? Me holding the phone, wondering why he couldn’t have held on a little longer?