springading.com

SIGH. I’m bored. So bored. I’m watching Angel and thinking that all these people who die on this show have exciting, interesting deaths, at least, whereas I am probably going to die of a tooth infection. Which, even that, with its death and stuff–boring.

My tooth really has been bugging me.

Not much has been going on. Jim has started school. This is the first time he’s ever gone full time, and while he’s reduced his hours at work, he’s still working three days a week. So far, he’s doing well, but the semester’s still early, and five classes with that much work is…well, it’s a lot.

It’s a lot of hours to put in while going to school; it’s not enough hours for two people trying to pay bills. Jim’s the food-and-gas guy, whereas I’m the “everything else” girl. I’ve come to terms that I will probably have to start picking up on the tab on groceries, which wouldn’t be such a big deal if I didn’t want to get rid of our credit card bill so bad. I’ve been paying for that thing since, like 2008. I was doing a great job last year of getting it knocked out, then had a couple of rough months where I only paid the minimum and BAM. It was right back where it was.

Credit card companies are evil.

So Jim and I are trying to cut back, when there’s really not a lot to cut back on, since we never were big spenders in the first place. We figure we can save some money by eating in and not driving around so much. I’m proud that I didn’t hit Jim up for one of our drives at all this week. (I asked about it one night, but that’s because I was verifying that he didn’t want to. Honestly, I was too damned tired to go anywhere, anyway.) I’ve also been working overtime. Yet, after looking at today’s paycheck and mentally subtracting all the bills, there’s just so–so little of it left. And I feel like that damned credit card will be hanging over my head forever.

But, alas, I’ve been broke before. Very broke. And I’ve also gone from that to not living from paycheck to paycheck before now, so I know I can do it again. And you know what helps immensely with not living from paycheck to paycheck? Not having a car payment. Which, just doing what we’re doing now, it’ll be paid off in a little under three years. Way too long to be making a car payment, sure, but it’s at least a definite light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

A very long tunnel, but hey–as long as I can see that light.

Back to cutting back on money: that means trying to have cheaper hobbies. I’ve got my crocheting, but Jim has video games that he seems to just burn through. And XBox games are not cheap. And remember D&D? If anyone remembers way back when we started our “Homebrewed” game–can you believe it’s almost been a year?–then you would remember that initially, it wasn’t just a way for Jim and I to do something together, it was also a way to save money. Except lately, we haven’t been playing. First, it started off with me. After, you know, things happened (I really don’t want to talk about it anymore), I couldn’t get myself back into it. Then the holidays, then it seemed like Jim couldn’t get himself back into it, and last week and this week, it won’t happen because Jim’s been scheduled to work on Saturday.

Truth be told, I barely remember where we left off. I kind of miss it.

But even if we don’t do our D&D game again, I have a plan. Just work more overtime, even more than I’m already working. Because then when I get home, I’m dead tired, and all I want to do is sleep. As far as hobbies go, they don’t come any cheaper than that.

Speaking of…I think I’ll head to bed. I plan on doing more overtime in the morning. Night, y’all.

Via text:

Me:  Love you, have a great day.

Jim:  Any day where I come home to you at the end of it is a great day.

Guys, steal this man’s shit.  It’s gold and will get you laid, I guarantee.

I didn’t want to leave things too long with that last depressing post up.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not taking it down.  It is what it is, and I’m not removing it.  But I don’t want it to be the last thing up on my blog.

Things are okay, or as okay as they are right after a miscarriage.  Jim and I were on edge, then we had a HUGE fight (the details of which are nobody’s business but our own), we made up, and oddly enough, things seem to be much less edgy now.  We went to my doctor’s appointment on Tuesday where she confirmed that the pregnancy levels dropped significantly between the two times they drew blood.  Before the miscarriage, it was over 200; on Christmas Eve, it was down to 80.  It kinda hurt to hear it, even if I already knew.

I was surprised, though, that there was still any number greater than 0 after I lost the pregnancy.  I guess it’s a slow process, your body going back to normal.  Unfortunately, they’re going to keep drawing blood to monitor the levels until it gets to 5 or below.  And yesterday, the nurse couldn’t draw my blood for the life of her, so she gave up and referred me to the hospital today to try again.  As it turns out, if you’re too dehydrated (apparently, I was), it’s more difficult to draw blood.  That’s what I get for guzzling coffee before my appointment.  I was just trying to make it so I could pee in their little cup.  D’oh!

At the appointment, after the doctor confirmed everything, she sat down and asked us if we had any questions.  Jim and I were both pleasantly surprised.  I don’t know if I mentioned this in the last post, but Jim didn’t like our doctor, so he was happy she at least acknowledged that we’d have questions.  She asked us if we planned on trying again.  Jim was all like, “DEFINITELY” and then gave me a look that made me think that if the doctor wasn’t in the room, he’d try knocking me up again right there on that table, heh.  The doctor said that if we did try, we should wait at least one cycle. 

I’m not exactly that keen on trying again right away.  I’m not sure if this is a normal response, but I was wary of sex, even though the doctor said it would be okay.  I think I was nervous partially because I didn’t want to get pregnant and possibly go through another miscarriage, and partially because my stomach was still a little sore.  And poor Jim…well, he’s a healthy man.  But he was starting to LEER at me.  I was starting to feel like he was hiding around corners, about to pounce me.  Life was starting to look a little like a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip:

POUNCE!

Yup, just like that.  Except a lot less innocent–and a lot less hairballs.

Damn cats.

Anyway, I got over it.  The sex-is-scary thing, that is.  Jim can be pretty convincing.

Hello, all.  Yes, it’s been a long time, but folks, I’ve got things going on, a lot of things going on.  A few days ago, I actually did post, vaguely hinting to things going on, but I’ve since deleted that post, and now some OTHER stuff is going on.  I promise that I will reveal all soon.  Or semi-soon, anyway.

I’m just kind of…freaking out.

You know what else is freaking me out?  Christmas is less than a week away now, and Jim and I just started Christmas shopping.  I feel bad because I missed an old friend’s Yule party (she’s some kind of Wiccan blend, not Christian) and even though I hate social gatherings, I would have totally loved to have gone to her Yule party.  It sounded like fun.  Way more fun than how I actually spent the evening because, alas, do you know what I was doing at that time last night?  I was stuck in some OBSCENE traffic outside of St. Clair mall.  They seriously had only two exits in the entire mall, so cars were wrapped around the whole place.  We were in line for an hour to get out of the freakin’ mall.  I kid you not.  We were probably in line to get out of the mall longer than we were actually IN the mall.

Today?  We’re sticking with good, old Carbondale.  Although, admittedly, from what we saw yesterday, lines were also an issue, but not a freakin’ HOUR LONG type an issue.  Know what I’m saying?

Changing gears:  I was just reading Becca’s post about her husband and his guy friends.  You know, how there are times when he’s playing on his XBox with his friends and she’s like, C’mon, get off that thing already, I need my husband.  Now, admittedly, Jim doesn’t play XBox with anyone else.  He actually would prefer not to play with other people, at least not at this point.  (I think that’s why Warcraft pisses him off so much–having to deal with other people.)  But Jim does have a game he goes to every Friday night.  And usually, before he goes to game, he always offers to just stay home.  (Bet this would surprise his friends, but it’s true.)  I always say no.  Have fun.  And then our running joke:  “Try not to cheat on me while you’re out.  Don’t slip and fall into a vagina somewhere.  I hear that’s a problem in this town.”

Then it’s him saying goodbye, and me saying, go away already, heh.

After that, it’s me and Warcraft, although Jim recently admitted to me that he would actually like for me to text him sometimes while he’s in game, so now I try to text him at least once, so he knows I’m not having too much fun without him, and then I go to bed.  He comes home around 1 or 1:30, I give him grief about how late it is, that I “know” he’s really cheating on me, and then we snuggle and go to sleep because it’s all in good fun.  I know I’ve got a good man; he’s not doing anything that would upset me.  I just LOVE giving him grief.

But this Friday?  He was out until 3:30 in the morning.  I’m okay with 1 AM, because it means he’s been gone around 6ish hours, which I know is about how long a game can run.  But 3:30 is pushing it, even in my lax rulebook.  At least, it is without a phone call, which he did NOT do.  I totally would have given him hell…if I hadn’t been sleeping, anyway…and too tired when he came in…and pretty much forgotten about it by the next morning.

Someone remind me to be a bigger bitch sometime.

Anyway, I’m gonna wake Jim up.  We need to do more shopping today.  I’ll probably wake him up with scrambled eggs and French toast.  OH.  Breakfast in bed.  I’ll start on being a bigger bitch tomorrow, I swear.

Jim has written over 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo.  Those of you familiar with the contest knows that means he’s “won.”  I put “won” in quotes because there is no tangible prize for completing this task.  But there is something to be said for having a sizable amount of text to work with when you want to write a novel, of doing what you set out to do.  I mean, c’mon–how many people say they want to write a book someday but never actually do it?

Jim’s excited and (deservedly) proud of himself.  I’m proud of him, too.  And yet, for some reason, I get credit.  Here’s what I mean:  Last night, Jim told me that there is something called a “Shout Out” on the forums on NaNoWriMo’s website.  He told me that he thought I’d be interested in what it said.  So I logged in today and took a peek.  Here’s his entry:

I win. I wanted to take a second (even if no one reads this or cares) to thank my lovely, perfect, gorgeous, adoring fiancee. If she hadn’t put me up to this, I would still be whining about WANTING to be a writer. I’ve gotten the majority of a decent novel finished now, and if it hadn’t been for her (and this competition) I wouldn’t have doodly squat.

Thank you Spring. You’re my light, and my world.

Awwww.  I’ve got the sweetest man in the whole world.  Anyway, I’m just glad that Jim did it.  I wanted him to see that he could.  And now he knows.  Rumor has it, that’s half the battle.

Me:  How come you didn’t try to rush things when we first got together, if you were kind of fast with other girls before me?

Jim:  I didn’t want to mess it up with you.  I wanted everything to be right.  I actually respected you.

Me:  Gee, nice, Jim.  I’m sure those girls would really appreciate you saying that.

Jim:  Well, it’s just–well, it was different with you.  You were like a real person…

Yeah, the conversation didn’t get any better from there.  But at least I’m not the only mean one in this relationship.  One day, I should post some stuff he says about my ex-husband.  Now that would be funny.

Promise I’ll do a real post soonish.  But right now, the Internet is slow and annoying.

I was checking out Jim’s word count.  Hot damn!  Check it out.

By the way, Jim is not 20, like his profile says.  I don’t even know why he has that.  I might be older than he is, but I am not that much of a cougar, thank you very much!

My bestest friend in the whole world and soon-to-be husband was born today.  So it’s a damn good day.

I suppose I should pop in here and say hi once in a while, especially while I can.  As I’ve mentioned before, November is National Novel Writing Month–or NaNoWriMo–and I’ve managed to convince Jim to participate.  With only the one laptop, though, it means I’ll have less time on it.  And, no, I’m not complaining.  This will tear me away from the computer to try to finally hammer out Jim’s Lego Pirate Ship Blanket–especially since I think after I’m done with it, I’m going to dust off my knitting needles and make a blanket for my dad.

Although Jim just requested a new crocheted dice bag.

Jim has gotten excited about the contest.  He’s been throwing around ideas and ran two of them past me last night.  I like both and hope that he writes about both eventually.  Unfortunately, the conversation about what he plans on writing turned into a conversation about what I’m not writing. 

Not long ago, I had told Jim that I wanted to write some sort of fantasy story.  I even asked him for short stories or novels so I could get a better feel for the genre.  (It might come as a surprise to you, but I’ve read way more sci-fi books than I ever have fantasy, so I wouldn’t say I’m very knowledgable in it.)  Jim happily recommended books.  And then last night, I announced I didn’t want to do it anymore.

Jim was disappointed.  And then I got defensive.  And then I got psychoanalyzed about how I don’t do things that are easy for me, which, incidentally, includes drawing, which Jim (I can tell) gets a little bugged that I’m not more into, yadda, yadda, yadda, and I don’t think Jim gets it.  Writing literary fiction is easy for me.  That’s just what’s in me.  I don’t think I have what it takes to write a fantasy story.  So if the argument is that I only want to do things that are a challenge for me–bzzzt!  WRONG.

I think writing a fantasy story would be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.  And keep in mind that I used to have independent study poetry classes with Judy Jordan.  (Hint:  She’s made people cry in her class before.  I was not one of them.  I was lucky–she named me as the best writer in both the undergrad and grad departments.  Huzzah!)  So my point?  I don’t wanna write a fantasy story because I work all week, I need to do more overtime, and I don’t think I’m gonna have time to do something that I think it going to be very difficult for me.  I cannot tell a lie:  I don’t think I’d be good at it at all.

In all honesty, though…if I ever do write something in the fantasy genre, I think I’m going to set it in Jim’s world of Valt.  I’ve asked Jim, and he seems happy with this.  He actually thinks because I haven’t read a plethora of fantasy books or participated in a bunch of D&D games, I could put a fresh perspective on it.  We’ll see.

Okay, seriously?  Let’s quit talking about writing.

So, I thought about posting earlier this week, but honestly, I don’t have a lot to say.  My life is fucking awesome.  Oh, there are a couple problems.  The student loan people are trying to tell me I make too much money to defer my loan any longer and want me to pay over $400 a month.  Which, HA.  HA.  HA.  Yeah, that’s not going to happen.  I sent them more current payment info that clearly shows that, no, I do not make enough.  We’ll see how that turns out.

Also, in not-so-cool news:  Something is up with my cats.  Not one, not two, but three accidents in a week.  And I think it’s Emmy, which is weird because Emmy just doesn’t have accidents.  She acts fine, but I’m starting to worry if it’s because she’s so old and she just can’t hold it like she used to.  Poor girl.

Work has been great.  I seriously like my job now.  Before, I wanted to try to get rid of bills and find a way to get my master’s degree ASAP.  Despite how much I love southern Illinois, I wanted to find a way out of here.  Now?  Now, I want to pay off my bills, get married, have kids (er, maybe, I don’t know about that one), buy a house, and stay here because I don’t see a point in quitting a job I like that pays well. 

And things with Jim, of course, are awesome.  The other day, he sneaked a little love note in my purse; the other night, he suggested I light a candle when I went to take my bath, and I found that he had carved “I love Spring” in it.  I laughed so hard, but honestly, it was the sweetest thing EVER.

If I could just figure out why I’ve had nearly constant stomach problems for the last week and a half and get bills squared away, I’d say I have a perfect life.

Anyway, I’m going to run.  Hopefully, there will be another “Homebrewed” post up sometime next Friday.  So far, we’ve missed three weeks in a row, and I’m hoping we don’t miss tomorrow’s game, too.  I’m actually looking forward to it–it’s been too long, and I feel bad that we just left Natalia, Iema, Corin, and Sunshine hanging in the Underdark.  Right after Iema had died and been resurrected, no less…

Until then!

The depression is mostly gone.  Mostly.  There’s still that “unsettled” feeling in my chest, the one that feels like a bird trying to beat its wings in a too-small space.  I’m anxious, happy, and still a little…something else.  I don’t know what.

It’s weird how nothing in particular will bring it on.  Well, I know what doesn’t help:  Sometimes, I’ll read blogs of these girls I like to follow (hello to my Twitter friends!) and then I think I’m not geeky enough for Jim.  Oh, I know I’ve always erred on the side of geeky, but I would never in a million years put myself in, say, the Category That is Jim.  Or maybe I should call it the Category That was Jim.  Jim himself seems like his old gaming interests aren’t doing for him what they once did.

But sometimes I forget that, and I’ll start reading some other girl’s blog and she’s WAY more into gaming than I’ll ever be–let’s be honest, I enjoy it, but I could drop it in a heartbeat; it’s mostly a cheap thing to do with my man–and then I worry that I’m wasting Jim’s time.  There’s someone out there better suited for him.  I don’t know why I constantly worry about this, but let’s take a stab in the dark this is the case, shall we?

I was once married twelve years to the wrong man.

You understand why I wouldn’t want to make that mistake again, right?  As much as I dislike my ex now, though, I have to admit that I feel guilty from time to time that I constantly tried to make myself “fit” in with who he was rather than admit we weren’t right for each other.  (Admittedly, he didn’t give me much of an option on this, but still.)  I feel guilty because I didn’t only waste my time–I wasted his time as well.  I love Jim like crazy, and I don’t want to do the same thing to him.

And while I do love Jim, I’m not going to change myself for anyone.  Besides, why should I?  Jim told me when we first started dating that he thought I was way out of his league and was shocked I said yes when he asked me out–something he never thought of the type of girls he knew before.  So I’ve decided that those girls should be more like ME.  MUHAHAHA.

In a nutshell, I need to quit trying to mentally set my boyfriend up with other women, heh.  They’re not good enough for him.  I know.  I’m mean.  Don’t believe me?  Seriously, we once had the following conversation:

Me:  Wait–what was that one girl’s last name?  [It was a girl Jim used to like.]

Jim:  [Tells me the last name.]

Me:  Holy shit, I saw her on Facebook.  You know how our computer will start screwing through pages when you click too fast?  It did that, I saw her, but I didn’t think it could be the same girl because I was like, That can’t be her because–Well, she’s kinda ugly.

Jim:  Yeah…I didn’t think so at the time, but now…

Me: …

Jim:  What?

Me:  Would it be really wrong to say that I’m WAY prettier than some of the girls you used to like?

Jim:  Only if it would be wrong for me to completely agree.

I love when we’re assholes together.  And that is why I’m the girl for Jim.

Oh, by the way, being mean isn’t what made me happy.  (Although, sometimes, I’ll get into my Snobby Mode to cheer me up.  It works wonders.  Try it sometime.)  Today started off bad:  My stomach was still hurting and I forced myself to do overtime.  I felt sick enough to cancel D&D, which brings us to week #3 with no game.  I worry about disappointing Jim–and Phil. 

But it picked up because 1) I tried another type of medicine that, so far, seems to be working (!) and 2) I bought Jim’s birthday present early, per his request.  His present?  An XBox 360, which he played ALL DAY.  My man is happy.

I’m very good at that, by the way–making Jim happy.  I’m thinking that might be also why I’m the right girl for the job.